My first memory

age two

In my early thirties, I was tired of upsets I had no control over. I met a couple versed in something called rebirthing. I would spend time with them breathing a certain way that would trigger a live memory and an ability to watch the event simultaneously. I would go to incidents from my past, the most recent one, and each time, the incident would disappear. I became calmer after each session, and I don't remember how often I participated. The ultimate goal was to return to the original event of birth. The first event after birth happened when I was two, perhaps a week after my second birthday.

It was a memory that I had no recollection of until that session. I reached out to my parents to confirm its veracity. While my mother's memory from that distant past was understandably hazy, my father's recollection was vivid. He recounted the day he thought he had lost his eldest son. I was two, just over a week past my Aug 3 birthday, and I had fearlessly ventured to ask for a ride on the tractor.

I decided to settle down because they told me Mom and my Aunt were going into the house once Dad left on the tractor. I had a plan. Dad left the farm yard and headed off to the field. When I heard the house door slam close, I took off to follow the tractor into the field. When I got to where the tractor had entered the field, I followed the noise of the tractor on the path left by the tires on the crop. The crop was tall. Dad had to stand while driving to see above the crop.

The crop did not stay on the ground as I traveled into it, and Dad changed his direction, so I went into the dark green crop without thinking. At some point, the sound of the tractor was the sound of flies buzzing my head. The horse flies were the ones I hated the most. I was lost in a sea of green and did not know where I was and where to go. After running in circles, I sat down and angrily swatted flies.

I heard the sound of the tractor again as it came toward me. Dad was going back to the farm yard. I initially moved toward the sound of the tractor, but I realized I would get hurt if it ran over me, and I slowed down. The tractor veered in another direction away from me, and I had to follow the sound again as it went to the yard. At some point, the buzzing flies had me in a panic. In a field and not knowing what would happen, I promised God I would never get lost again if I got out of this. Many thoughts passed through my head about how this happened to me. None of them blamed me, of course.

Dad arrived at the house, and Mom was in a panic. I was nowhere to be found. I must have followed Dad into the field when everyone entered the house. Dad went back into the field differently to see what was before him. There was space in the middle of the field where the crop had not grown and was flat and empty. He headed there and began yelling for me while revving the tractor.

I heard the tractor again as it went by in the distance. I followed the sound again and came to where Dad was calling for me. I got my ride on the tractor! Everyone was so glad nothing was wrong with me. I was not in trouble. Flies were mortal enemies, and I could not control myself when one or more was near. I forgot about this but became an expert at never getting lost. I became an explorer and learned where everything was by visiting it once.